Wooooweee. Holy shit fuck woooooweee. I need to really just settle and take a STEP DOWN after listening to the CROCK OF SHIT that was this SAD EXCUSE FOR A PIECE OF MUSIC.

But let’s start from the beginning. Kygo – not a terrible artist. Before he released that song with Selena Gomez (which was, as I said, not terrible) I would have said an amazing, wonderful genius. That was then, this is now.

Ellie Goulding – not too bad either. Girl can sing. Her voice goes well with electronic music (eg – Bassnecter remix of Lights. Those Skrillex songs, etc). So in theory this should have been a pretty good song.

Unfortunately, this song is an UNORIGINAL PIECE OF SHIT from the very first three chords and it only gets worse from there.

I’ll throw to MTV at this stage, who begins their review by positing the following question to the reader: “Is Kygo and Ellie Goulding’s new song the ‘Closer’ of 2017?”

WOAH FUCKIN WOAH STOP RIGHT THERE. If anything could possibly make me less excited to listen to a song, it would be the news that Nickelback had released a new song “with a catchy melodic tropical house influenced chorus” or something.

The truly upsetting piece of this tragedy is that Closer is actually a better song than the one at hand. This is like a Fischer Price version of Closer. And considering Closer was a Fischer Price version of anything that made music fun, interesting or emotive before it was all refined for mass consumption, we are a very sad place.

Anyway, the MTV articles draws more parallels between the two songs: where Closer references Blink 182, First Time references Bon Iver. Instead of “the backseat of your Rover,” it is “your dad’s black Honda.” (As I said, this song is made for a slightly younger audience and/or one that has to borrow their parents’ car when going to the train tracks to get drunk and “inhale moments”).

ONE OF THE LYRICS IN THIS SONG IS LITERALLY “the middle finger was our peace sign.” All the delicate subtlety and metaphor OF A SLAP IN THE FUCKING DICK. More lyrics about “getting drunk on a train track” trying “our first cigarettes” “sipping on emotions… inhaling every moment” … I mean, I am just hoping this is some kind of sick joke I will wake up from tomorrow. I thought the Chainsmokers had the monopoly on ripping off the Chainsmokers. Now I’ve just found out there is some kind of new EDM machine called the random-Chainsmokers-song-generator, and every man and his dog is shoving together a string of words including: “drunk” “kiss” “cigarette” “by the train tracks”, and a 3 chord riff and calling it MUSIC?!?!

Sorry, I am getting a little bit emotional.

I CANNOT OVEREMPHASISE HOW OFFENSIVE I FIND THIS SONG. The sheer lack of imagination – sorry, I just dry retched. Even its inoffensive forgetful nature, the fact that, after listening, I cannot even recall the melody; its utter lack of impact makes me want to skin a cat or something – provokes some kind of animalistic aggression in me. I just want to shake this song by the shoulders and be like “STOP BEING SUCH A WET BLANKET! THIS IS THE REAL WORLD! THERE IS NO PLACE FOR YOU HERE.”

But it is the real world. And this song will probably stay in the charts for 30 weeks. I want to die.

It is all so MEANINGLESS and it hurts me that probably some sixteen year old out there is listening to it and crying because they relate to it so much… Fucking END ME.

Its fucking 2017 and people have been releasing music that sounds exactly like this in one way shape or form for about SEVEN YEARS now. If you need me I will be by the window, gently rocking back and forth as I plead with the apocalypse to come sooner and end the misery that is living on this planet.

I rate this song: unsuitable for anyone with ears.